My Divine Sexual Awakening Following My Break-Up

Guest post by JR

My ex-boyfriend of almost seven years broke up with me - unexpectedly. I was crushed, my entire life felt as though it had come crashing down, and that I would forever be stuck under the rubble unable to escape the overbearing, impenetrable darkness. Yet, eight months later, still happily single, I can categorically say that I have never felt more liberated and more sexually fulfilled than I do now. 

So what changed?

Initially, it began with: lust. The overwhelming, deep, all-consuming power of lust. An emotion that I had not felt in far too many years, an emotion I unknowingly, yet desperately, missed and craved. The normality of my seven-year relationship shackled me, it held me back in subtle ways, and I didn’t even know it. 

Fast-forward a month after the break-up: I met a boy, let’s call him Fred. Fred is a fuckboy. And wonderfully, as always, Lana Del Rey has managed to summarise my entire thought process regarding Fuckboy Fred in one sentence, “Goddamn, man-child, you fucked me so good that I almost said, “I love you.”” That was it. This one sexual experience was so exhilarating, mystifying and orgasmic, that I had been turned on by a desire so powerful that it ended up consuming my: Every. Waking. Thought.

Images courtesy of the author

This sexual experience opened up an entirely new meaning of personal desire. This inner erotic power which I had unknowingly been suppressing for years came flooding back into my very being. Suddenly, the curiosity in me and my own sexuality sparked and I began to be drawn to new topics and ideas involving love, sex and desire.

 But what did Fuckboy Fred do that made this sexual encounter so intense?

  1. Continuously asked me what felt good
  2. Asked me frankly what turned me on
  3. Stimulated my clitoris endlessly

Following this encounter, I began communicating my sexual needs in ways that I had never done previously. I began focusing on and unpicking what really turns me on, and over the next couple of months I began to engage in new, insane (safe) sex with like-minded people (or persons…), in ways that I could have never imagined before. Finally, at the age of 27, I had found a way to get in touch with and articulate my own sexual desires authentically and openly.



Why didn’t I communicate my sexual needs with my ex?

Growing up in a household where sex, or more importantly sexual pleasure, was never discussed left me confused, bewildered and frustrated. I was taught at home and at my draconian Catholic school that sex is a sacred act between a man and a woman, intimacy is limiting, and that masturbation is sin. As a result, I associated my own sexual pleasure with guilt for most of my teenage and young-adult life. Yet, I always knew in my inner-core that something felt wrong with those teachings and my inner-self was irritated with this upbringing: my inner true-self was a sexual being, she was wild and was desperate to be free in her expression, she had no rules and she has no boundaries.

Following the break-up, I tried to reflect on why my ex and I never had a deep sexual connection, and the only thing I can identify is that we got together when we were very young and very inexperienced. We loved each other deeply, but this relationship taught me that love doesn’t always equate to great sex or close sexual intimacy. The relationship and the sex became a routine, and I struggled to communicate my needs. I just didn’t have the vocabulary or quite frankly, the courage, and my friends and I were young - we didn’t speak as openly about sex as we do now. And as I mentioned, having grown up in a religious context where sex was viewed as shameful and forbidden (unless married), I inevitably attached the feeling of guilt to my own sexual pleasure.

Whereas now, in 2019, and 12 therapy sessions later (which mainly focused on the break-up and religion) I have found solace with my own sexuality and sexual identity. I know what I want and I know how to ask for it (thank you Fuckboy Fred. And thank you to my Therapist who concluded the therapy with, “It’s fair to say that you have always challenged the status quo.”). And to clarify, I am not saying the sex I have now is mind-blowingly great every time, it’s definitely not and things still go wrong, but I am far more open to experimenting and trying new things. I’m certainly not saying that you have to break up with a partner to have your own divine sexual awakening. You DEFINITELY don’t. But you must learn to openly and honestly communicate your sexual needs and desires. 

I love that I now feel liberated in being able to discuss the subject of sex and pleasure without the feeling of shame, embarrassment or guilt. I love living in a more open community where men and women can proudly admit to getting laid - and if you’re anything like my close friends and I, there are certainly no details spared during these discussions… 

So before you fall asleep tonight, ask yourself these three questions: What really turns you on? How do you like to be touched? Is there anything you are curious to try but haven’t yet?

So, go forth, be wild. Have fun and enjoy your unapologetic pleasure… 

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